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She watches the TV presenter Jeremy Kyle
Likes his show and his cheeky smile,
The Only Cabbage diet, is the best she has ever heard
Pleased that she got her new hob and oven, totally insured.
With accompanying glare, if looks could kill
She insults the girl on the Tesco till;
Shared her valium with the cat – as he loudly purred
At least she’s got her TV and video, happily insured.
Next door family’s llama in her shrubbery found shade
But she smashed it in the head, with a shinny garden spade,
And the animals’ pumping, from a fatal gash to the throat
Pet Insurance is so convenient, must phone for a quote!
Plays Abba hits from her Blue Ray collection
And distributes UKip pamphlets about natural selection,
Her only brother is unemployed, such humiliation endured
Gladly, she got the tumble dryer – safely insured.
Her precious son is a hunt saboteur, he’s one of a kind
With a bubbling identity crisis – escape the doldrums of the mind
The LSD experiences were one of his own choices
But even with private psychiatric cover, he still hears voices.
Her darling daughter recovering from a 3 day binge
She’s got hepatitis too, from a boyfriend’s syringe;
With private health insurance, whole family enjoys the cover
Except her last born, who with a pillow she did smother.
Husband collects rent, from their Saltdean holiday flat
He’s screwing the occupant, cos he’s a love rat.
She strains to stays claim, to project an aura so sedate,
Her home contents Insurance policy, is bang up to date.
Forever fights for the family giving everything it takes
But on her hatchback Lexus, her son disabled the brakes;
Now the local garage mechanic was extremely nice
And Average Car Insurance, always offers the best price.
Enthralled by cook books from the endearing Delia Smith
While watching her marriage careering over a cliff,
A rumour about a neighbour’s relationship, she happily stirred
Relieved she got her washing machine, satisfactory insured.
Conforming to what is expected, a devoted mother and wife
While husband was asleep, she grabbed a carving knife;
As she sliced thought his snoring face, dissection is a science
Contented she’s well insured, her ‘small kitchen appliance’.
Then she’s stuffed the body into the refrigerator
And fled the UK, into arms of a Spanish waiter.
Feeling much content and exuberantly rest assured
Thank Christ she’s got her fridge freezer, comfortably insured.
They lived for months in Barcelona and one week in Rhyl
She now works the taxi rank, at the station in Burgess Hill,
Her dysfunctional life – continues to splendidly unravel
She well protected though, with extra Insurance for travel.
In recent years she re married, to an Italian businessman
Moved his office to The Martlets here from sunny Milan,
But problems in the bedroom, she questioned his endurance
Better up the premium, on his massive life insurance.
